Fearaholics Anonymous
By Ngozi Weller for Ethos magazine: issue 08 | November 2018
My name is Ngozi Weller… and I am a recovering Fearaholic. It’s been approximately three hours (oh alright, 30 minutes) since my last episode. Worrying is my way of solving problems before they arise. I was 37 when I had my first real panic attack. It didn’t happen overnight; it started with a little bit of worry every day. Seemingly reasonable concerns that anyone might have about their job; how was I perceived at work? Was I doing well enough? At some point those worries grew bigger and the negative voices in my head got louder. It started to spill outside the work box into other areas of my life. Pretty soon I was having difficulty sleeping and was waking up in the night to that soundtrack in my head reminding me of all the terrible things that could happen.
I thought it was a phase, that it would pass. I thought that if I just tried harder, worked harder, that it would all get better. I was nervous and irritable at home, but cool and collected at work. I did have good days where I would laugh, joke, smile and play, but even then, the black thoughts were never far away. Anxiety was like the school bully living inside my head. I was scared that if anyone found out what I was thinking that they’d laugh, or even worse, they’d agree. So, the fear fed the secrecy and the secrecy fed the fear in a self-perpetuating loop of despair. And I felt trapped, like this was how life always was and always would be. Until one day, I snapped, I could no longer keep it in and the tears started to spill. Something had changed, the sands had shifted, and things could not simply go back to the way they were.
Eventually, I learnt that the best way to stand up to bullies is to ignore them. Someone wise told me that worry is like a plant — if you feed it, it will grow. If you don’t, it will wither and die. I slowly started to tell those I trusted what I was thinking. They didn’t laugh or agree. They just loved and comforted me and told me that none of it was true. Openness has been the key to breaking free for my tormentor. Fears grow in the dark. Shed some light on yours and watch them disappear!
Ngozi Weller is a management trainer and programme developer who co-founded Aurora Wellness, a mental health and wellbeing service provider that empowers professional women to thrive at home and in the workplace. A married mum of two, she loves getting to know people’s stories and sharing hers with them.
