Q&A with Ngozi Weller and Obahi Alofoje, Aurora Wellness

Tell us a bit about your backgrounds?

Ngozi: I worked for an oil company for 16 years, as a project manager and in various different roles. In 2016, I was signed off with work-related stress and anxiety, which led to depression. That preempted a total evaluation of where I was and what I was doing — I couldn’t go back to being in a role that I hated. I liked the company I was working for, but it wasn’t meeting my needs.

I wanted to find a different way to live. Something over than the high stress modern working life in the west. I wanted to find a way to make women know that they don’t have to suffer in silence and cope alone, so started our business with my cousin, Obahi.

What sort of response have you had?

Obahi: We’ve found it particularly effective when people talk about fear and imposter syndrome online, as a forum — there’s less stigma than going somewhere to talk about their inner secrets. It’s that feeling of someone catching you out; there was a woman who wouldn’t go to apply for a job because, when she checked the job spec, she only had 80% of the experience. It’s the prevention of advancement, where to push yourself to the next level would paralyse you. Where you’re constantly trying to be this superwoman or man. It’s a mindset, where you feel like things are accidental.

Ngozi: It’s not just a women’s issue — it’s a people issue. It comes about for a number of reasons — probably all stemming from childhood — but women to struggle to overcome it more than men. Culturally and historically, men are used to feeling discomfort and doing it anyway, whereas girls aren’t encouraged to. Boys are encouraged to climb the trees, or cycle without a helmet — we try and minimise the risks for girls. Fear and rejection are a good thing, but if you’re not used to it, it’s more of a barrier.

Do you have any examples of how fear has limited you in your personal or professional life?

Obahi: My background is in psychology. My story begins with me, not quite excelling. I was an A grade student at primary school, but at my secondary school I struggled for some reason, and became this C/D student. My parents couldn’t work it out… I couldn’t work it out… until my GCSEs, when I smashed it. And I don’t know where it came from. I became sure I’d been given someone else’s results, and that the exam board was going to correct it and reveal my own results — the Cs and Ds, like I’d always had.

I had a party to celebrate as soon as possible, before anyone realised it wasn’t my result. I got in to university and panicked again. And it never occurred to me that I’d got better at studying — I’d just completely missed it. I got a 2:1 degree, but it still felt accidental. Generally now, day to day, I’m fine — but it rears up when I have to elevate to a new thing — a new job or position. Have I got good enough qualifications? I wouldn’t go for a job unless I ticked every single criteria with evidence to back it up. And still, occasionally, I think can I? Instead of looking for the best, I aim to go in at 60%, and know I can learn the others.

How does fear of failure, or exposure, keep us in our comfort zone?

Ngozi: For me, I had always had the vision of having a life that changes lives for the better — that was my ambition. I worked for an oil company, and didn’t think that I deserved that life. I had that job and two kids and a husband and a house, and was trying to be satisfied with that. But I had a nervous breakdown and couldn’t reconcile myself with it. Fear ate me up. I was unable to move beyond that box, but I couldn’t deal with staying where I was.

Fear became greater than the frustration of staying in the job. But when I learnt to confront it, it propelled me. I was able to look at the fears and rationalise them. Some are reasonable — fear is a valid emotion — it’s there to protect us. It’s reasonable to feel afraid when you walk out of a tube station at 2am in the morning as a single woman, but you have balance fear with realistic expectations of life. Fear is good — it can be good — so long as you’re in control of it. There are certain situations that you should definitely be afraid of. Fear is a good emotion if you don’t let it control you. But that’s easier said than done.

Obahi: Many of us have got a fear of paying the bills — of finance. If you’re contemplating walking out of a job, fear is probably protecting you. But it’s a question of turning it so that you say ‘I’m sure I don’t want to be in this job any more. I can’t escape now, so what is my plan?’ So that you don’t get to the stage that Ngozi did, where you’re so paralysed that something else kicks you out by force.

Ngozi: My fear should have said ‘let me plan, so I can be out in six months. I’ll put aside some of my salary to use as savings, so that I can feed myself and clothe my kids.’ Inform your actions, but control the fear. Fear’s not always reasonable. First we need to analyse it, and ask ‘is this genuine fear? Is it because I’m totally under-qualified?’ Then use that fear to inform you. Look at your history — know that you’ve done this for five years, so it’s not a reasonable fear.

What are the common things that it stops people from doing?

Obahi: They’re different. But it often stops you from moving on — from looking elsewhere. As human beings we’ve very resilient, so we get used to stuff. We get used to things and can’t imagine anything else, so don’t try anything else. It stops people looking for solutions, and they decide that they’re going to stay. You assume you’re the only person with those thoughts. Knowing I’m not alone is enough to feel better.

When you’re paralysed by fear you can’t talk about it, but the moment you’re able to talk about it… that’s when things can change.

Ngozi: I think it’s anything where any risk is involved, and that’s different for everyone. It could be relationships, or changing career. Fear can prevent you from doing anything where you feel particularly vulnerable, whether that’s making friends or moving to a new city. It’s your brain trying to protect you.

Obahi: If you weren’t considering it, you wouldn’t even try to ask the questions. It’s OK for your fear to try and trip you up, because it’s trying to protect you — like a parent.

Ngozi: If you can visualise your fear — if you can turn it into another person — you’re generally hearing the voice of someone in your life who would protect you and keep you in bubblewrap. Work through convincing that person that you know you’re going to be OK. It’s not your voice — it’s the voice of someone with wisdom, but you may have to ignore that voice because you have more info that you can cope with it.

Obahi: I recommend saying it out loud. Rationalise it — ‘it’s not the same thing; I have a degree — two, in fact; I’m not the same person…’

How can you make yourself more resilient? How do you overcome hurdles and challenges?

Obahi: The most important thing is being reflective. We’re all busy, and it helps to sort things out. However many hours you have, give yourself one hour in a week and call it a wellbeing hour. Spend time with yourself. Some people are naturally reflective and it’s easy for them. I do find it hard. Where it that voice coming from? What’s bugging me? What is that criticism about? You don’t often get a chance to listen to what your inner self says. One you do that, you can find the evidence to move past it; to find solutions.

Obahi: I go away — to a spa. That’s what I like. I’m an extrovert — I don’t always like time to myself. I can’t take my laptop, so I have to be with my own thoughts. Even having a massage, I can be more reflective.

Ngozi: It can be something as simple as going for a walk, going to the gym, having a cup of tea in a quiet spot, or sitting on a bus — going to a new place, that cuts you off from the ever-present noise. Whatever works for you and breaks you out from your usual routine.

Some people are good at reflecting in their own heads; other write a journal, or say a prayer. Whatever works for you, that allows you to tap into nothing else but your own thoughts, emotions and experiences.

Obahi: Work out what you like… Where do you get your best ideas? Every time I go away, I come up with all kinds of stuff, then do my best work when I come back. I’m more honest with myself when I’m not in my normal environment. Where do you get your best ideas and feelings? Have a think about it.

The more you practise, the better… If you practise when you’re fine and doing well, you’ll be able to activate it quickly when you do need it. That yoga class won’t work if you’ve never practised it before — it’ll feel even more annoying. So, when you’re at your best, try and practise your techniques. Nobody gets up one morning and knows how to do it…

Ngozi: Resilience comes through facing adversity. If you protect yourself by not taking any risks, then you won’t take build any resilience. You have to face them to suffer disappointments to get used to what it means to bounce back; to be able to pick yourself up and dust yourself down and move forward. Take small risks; small challenges, and face them and deal with them.

We’re very quick to look at the road ahead, and forget the road behind. I forget how resilient I already am, because I always have eye on the next thing. To help that, I keep memory aids. When I was struggling with my career, I created a folder called ‘feelgood’, with every significant compliment I’d received on the quality of my work. Every time someone said ‘thanks’, I kept it, because in the future I knew I’d need it to remind myself. You build your resilience by building your good memory muscle. It’s very easy to keep the memories of bad things, and times we’ve failed — you have to build up your good memory muscle too. Remember that you’ve dealt with bigger ogres in the past.

Ngozi Weller and Obahi Alofoje run Aurora Wellness, a coaching and events business specialising in helping clients fight stress, anxiety and depression, and restore balance.